(Stan Isaacs)

Among the countless, brilliant concepts in newspapering worthy of my jealousy was Stan Isaacs’ annual ranking of decidedly inconspicuous topics. Each April Fool’s Day, Isaacs—a Newsday colleague and mentor who died in 2013 at 83—published his whimsical list, which he called IRED: The Isaacs Ratings of Esoteric Distinction.

I wish I had thought of something like that. Goofy, worldly and creative, Isaacs’ long and distinguished career as a serious journalist included an awareness of when and where to find a giggle. His IRED spoofed Ring Magazine’s boxing ratings because, Isaacs wrote, there was “an unrecognized need for evaluations of quantities” like The Bridges Across the River Seine; of People Who Were Neither On the Way Up or Down; of Fred Astaire’s Dancing Partners; of Bowling Pins. Just to cite a few of the categories he presented for judgment over the years.

Anyway, since Stan is gone, I have endeavored to make it my yearly duty to honor his memory on April Fool’s Day with my ersatz version of his ratings. Not in his league, admittedly. Still, herewith the 2021 listings:

Vaccines: 1 (tie), Moderna, Pfizer, Johnson & Johnson.

Pandemic accouterments: 1, (see above); 2, mask; 3, hand wipes; 4, quarantining; 5, 10-foot pole.

Doctors I have known and appreciated: 1, family physician; 2, cardiologist; 3, neurosurgeon; 4, dermatologist; 5, allergist; 6, podiatrist; 7, dentist; 8, optometrist; 9, audiologist. (And still counting.)

Famous doctors: 1, Livingston; 2, Spock; 3, Jill Biden; 4, Holliday; 5, Severinsen; 6, Martin; 7, J.

British police procedurals: 1, Poirot, 2, Vera; 3, Endeavour; 4, Inspector Lewis; 5, Grantchester; 6, Father Brown; 7, Bletchley Circle.

Zoom buttons: 1, Share screen; 2, Breakout Rooms; 3, Chat; 4, Mute; 5, Gallery View; 6, End Meeting.

Swiss Army Knife tools: 1, hoof cleaner; 2, corkscrew; 3, USB stick; 4, can opener; 5, pliers; 6, scissors; 7, fish scaler; 8, nail file; 9, toothpick.

Floating vessels (until they didn’t): 1, Ever Given (unstuck from the Suez Canal); 2, Exxon Valdez; 3, Deepwater Horizon; 4, Costa Concordia.

March madness: 1, daylight savings time; 2, dandelions; 3, spring break; 4, taxes; 5, college basketball.

Favorite M&M colors (tie): 1, blue, green, brown, yellow, red, orange.

Words that don’t begin with Z: 1, xenops; 2, xylophone; 3, xenophobia; 4, Xerox; 5, Xenia, Ohio; 6, antidisestablishmentarianism.

Impeding the swift completion of postal workers’ appointed rounds: 1, gloom of night; 2, snow; 3, heat; 4, sleet; 5, rain; 6, Louis DeJoy.

Pies: 1, apple; 2, blueberry; 3, pumpkin; 4, chicken pot; 5, shepherd’s; 6, 3-point-14159….

Baseball action rarely seen anymore: 1, pickle; 2, stealing home; 3, bunting; 4, basket catches; 5, two-hour nine-inning game.

Cars I have owned: 1, MGB; 2, Saab; 3, VW; 4, Toyota; 5, Chevy.

Newspaper sections: 1, sports; 2, news; 3, op-ed; 4, obituaries (as long as they aren’t about me); 5, arts; 6, business.

Original favorite newspaper section: 1, funnies.