(Stan Isaacs)
It’s April Fools’ Day, but this is not exactly a prank. This is an earnest attempt to honor my late Newsday colleague and mentor Stan Isaacs, who died in 2013 at 83. It is inspired by the fact that, each April Fools’ Day during Stan’s long and distinguished career there, Newsday published his whimsical rankings of decidedly inconspicuous topics, calling them IRED—the Isaacs Ratings of Esoteric Distinction. The purpose, he said, was to offer “an appraisal in areas that are generally ignored by raters,” and he declared that “no category is too arcane” to grade.
IRED, he said, was “a loving spoof of the Ring Magazine boxing ratings….a rush to respond to the unrecognized need for evaluations of qualities like the Bridges Across the River Seine.” For each April 1 edition, he began with his personal classification of chocolate ice creams and, from there, quantified such universal matters as Fred Astaire’s dancing partners; TV remote buttons; “Things that Aren’t As Good as They Used to Be;” bowling pins. “The IRED never glittered more,” he once noted, “than when it evaluated People Who Were Neither On the Way Up or Down.”
Grantland’s Bryan Curtis, in an appreciation shortly after Stan’s death, insightfully recognized him as “a fierce opponent of whatever he was ‘supposed’ to be writing, an insurrectionist with a smile.” That was the key to making Stan a journalism hero. Worldly and creative, and admirably goofy. A keen observer with a twinkle in his eye. A man, certainly, who understood the need for an April Fools’ Day giggle.
As a pale tribute, then—and even in these strange times—here is my 2020 rip-off of his delightful parody:
Historical figures for the Age of Coronavirus: 1, Lady MacBeth (wash your hands). 2, Ignaz Semmelweis (19th Century pioneer of antiseptic procedures). 3, Edvard Munch (don’t touch your face like that).
Now part of the daily language: 1, In an abundance of caution. 2, Social distancing. 3, Flatten the curve. 4, Shelter in place. 5, Postponed. 6, Zoom.
Possible 2020 Opening Days in baseball: 1, May 1st. 2, June 1st. 3, July 1st. 4, August 1st. 5, April 1st, 2021.
Telephone functions (circa 1970): 1, Telephone.
Telephone functions (circa 2020): 1, Mail. 2, Camera. 3, Newspaper. 4, Clock. 5, Calendar. 6, Map. 7, Encyclopedia. 8, Book. 9, Stopwatch. 10, Record player. 11, Calculator. 12, Notebook. 13, Compass. 14, Alarm. 15, Radio. 16, Television. 17, Diary. 18, Tape recorder. 19. Technological wizardry I have not yet deciphered. 20, Telephone.
Familiar structures personally visited: 1, New York City’s Chrysler Building. 2, Shanghai’s “Bottle opener” (World Financial Center). 3, Sydney’s Opera House. 4, St. Louis’ Gateway Arch. 5, Barcelona’s Sagrada Familia cathedral. 6, Athens’ Parthenon. 7. The Leaning Tower of Pisa. 8, London’s Westminster Abbey. 9, Starbucks.
Minor league baseball team nicknames (then and now): 1, Montgomery Biscuits. 2, Reading Coal Heavers. 3, Lancing Lugnuts. 4, Chattanooga Lookouts. 5, Akron Rubber Ducks. 6, Allentown Peanuts. 7, Albuquerque Isotopes. 8, 2019 Miami Marlins.
Music genres: 1, Classical. 2, Blues. 3, Country. 4, Folk. 5, Ska. 6, Rock. 7. Roll.
Famous quarterbacks: 1, Tom Brady. 2, Joe Namath. 3, Joe Montana. 4 (tie) Archie, Payton and Eli Manning. 5, Doug Williams. 6, Monday morning. 7, Armchair.