At the conclusion of this essay, would you mind completing a customer satisfaction survey? You know: Were you Very Satisfied? Satisfied? Neutral? Dissatisfied? Very Dissatisfied?

Would you give this One Star? Two, Three or Four? FIVE!?!?!? Do you wish you had spent the time reading the comics instead?

Just kidding. It seems as if every business out there is using this sort of thing to get quick feedback. Supermarkets. Retail outlets. Pharmacies. Car repair shops. Media organizations. Food-delivery apps. Ride-hailing operations. Doctor’s offices. I wouldn’t want to be left behind regarding this trend.

So: On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being “very likely” and 1 being “no way,” how likely would you be to recommend this to family members or others? Why or why not? Did you have a favorite sentence or paragraph? A particularly compelling punctuation mark?

Please provide your age, height, weight, most recent eye exam, and what your favorite subject was in sixth grade. If you did not have a favorite subject, just write “recess.” Even though that’s not a subject, our survey reviewers will get the point.

And just to get to know you a little better: What is the approximate annual income you wish you had? Legally. All answers are confidential and will be shielded from the IRS.

In your own words, describe what you believe to be the Mets’ greatest deficiency. Speaking of the IRS, you may cite all public financial information in relation to players’ performance (or lack thereof).

Really, this sort of polling is merely a more formal approach than that utilized in the 1980s by three-term New York City mayor Ed Koch, who would ride the subway and stand on street corners greeting passersby with “How’m I doin’?” (Like all public officials, and in something of a good-natured way, Koch was booed whenever he was introduced at the ballpark. A tactic not unlike hanging him in effigy.)

Public criticism might have been gentler then than in these culture-war days. In the newspaper business—my home of employment for a half-century—I don’t recall us specifically soliciting evaluations in the time before social media (which traffics quite regularly in strong language to express all manner of dissatisfaction). But we would occasionally receive a note via snail mail beginning, “Dear [insert vulgar slang for a contemptible person here]….”

It can certainly be argued that evaluations of business performance often run from grumbling to profound unhappiness, which includes addressing the offending person or persons with terms equivalent to guttersnipe or blackguard or the like. Evidence of this can be found every day in “letters to the editor.”

People who are happy with a company’s work—those understandably expecting a certain level of competence—don’t tend to pass along their gratification. Just to complicate matters, though, a 2020 Los Angeles Times investigation found that customer service surveys were “a breeding ground of bad data…all written in pleading language” and annoying to customers who “just want to give them five stars and be on with it.”

Furthermore, the Times report concluded, “companies might be using surveys as prophylactic shields against angry customers who might otherwise vent in public online forums.”

So before you go there: Were your expectations met with this essay? Unmet? Exceeded? How would you characterize your experience?

Your criticisms are very important to us. Although it should be noted that it is not possible to appeal to every level of brow. Hey; show some mercy.

And thanks for reading. May we contact you to follow up on your responses?